Birds of Trust

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I had one of those phone calls a couple of weeks ago – the kind that when you hang up, you feel as though the whole world has shifted on its axis. Every time I think about my friend and her diagnosis, I go to the crazy, dark place where I just want to cry and scream every curse word I know – which, thanks to being raised in New Jersey, is quite a lot. And although this feels like a release in the moment, it leaves me in the crazy, dark place plus, my throat hurts, and it doesn’t do my friend a damn bit of good.

This weekend, I tried something different. I sat at my art table for hours on end, praying with paint and pastels. I had picked up a dozen or so wooden birds at my mom’s recent yard sale. I had no idea what I would do with them, but their simple silhouettes called to me with a sense of gentleness, kindness and grace. Letting these qualities in among the fear, the anger and the despair quelled the cacophony in my head and led me into the quiet of my heart. In this silent stillness, words surfaced.

I will be offering these words over the next couple of weeks – maybe accompanied by a reflection or a poem or maybe not. I have been struggling with what to say in this space lately, and finally made the decision to just show up (again) – as I am, with what I’ve got. Which at the moment is a heavy heart and a flock of painted birds. But somehow, right now, this feels like enough. xoS

14 thoughts on “Birds of Trust

  1. Sheila,
    I want you to show up in any way that feels genuine to you. That’s one of the things I love about you and your sense of humor-and ok your stove top pot roast!!

    • Lol. I was thinking of you today and how your story offers SO MUCH HOPE.
      And how well do you know me? I’ve been cooking all day. Mac and cheese for the gluten-eaters. Bc nobody with cancer wants to eat kale. (I might make that into a bumper sticker. Lol)

      Hope to see you soon.
      Xoxo
      S

  2. I am sorry for your friend. My SIL just began chemo this week – it’s a horrible journey. I trust they will both come out stronger on the other side of treatment, enjoying life and giving us wisdom for many years to come.

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  4. I love it when you show up. You are an inspiration to many because of who you are! For me, it’s so hard to believe that just showing up is the bulk of the work, really! Healing prayers for your friend. And I love the birds so very much. I picture myself sitting there with you in silence just doing art. Love you.

    • I would love that.
      You know I’m doing the OT with Jude. The whole idea of the tabernacle and the holy of holies is so potent and evocative to me right now. Would love to sit and talk Torah with you.
      So I guess this all comes down to just wanting to be together: Art, Torah, sitting, walking, whatever.
      Missing you. Today and always.

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