What to say?

IMG_7729

I’ve never had writer’s block in this space. For over two years and 375 (!) posts, I have never hesitated at the keyboard . . . until now. Until recently, I followed a clearly defined schedule of monthly posts. This scaffolding served to solidify my blog beginnings and helped me find my online voice. And even more than that, these past two years of blogging have allowed me to take myself and our homeschooling much more seriously. Since the late fall, however, whenever I sit down to write a post about homeschooling plans or a block review, it falls flat and rarely seems to make it out of the draft phase. It’s not what I want to talk about and subsequently, I have been trying to change my end of the conversation. So here I am, hovering over the keyboard, staring at a blinking cursor and thinking, “What to say?”

In removing the structure of my blog, I hoped to provide space to create something new. I hinted at this back in February, and even though it is (unbelievably!) May, nothing solid and predictable has emerged. I feel as though I am casting about and simply lurch from post to post. I’m trying to be present with myself during this transitory stage, trusting that something (anything!) will arise. Because to be quite honest, I like having a plan. I like to know what comes next. I like predictability. However a safe, predictable space is not usually where creativity comes calling, and creativity is exactly what I am courting right here, right now. I know I need to find the sweet spot between a supportive structure (some might say rhythm . . . ahem) and a rigid monotony. If I can push through this awkward transition, I can bring my writing and this blog to a new place. So even though I feel as though I’m flying blind, I am continuing to show up and believe that whatever words do come, you will receive them, as always, with a gentle kindness.

Thank you for being so dear. S

27 thoughts on “What to say?

  1. Oh Sheila, always with kindness. If I may offer a small piece of advice with love? Write what makes you happy. It may not be something that teaches us or something that we need but we come here to your space to see what inspires you whether it be a picture or a glimpse of beauty or maybe it is a quote you find inspiring. Your posts need not be big just something you find lovely. Blessings to you and for pouring out your heart to us. Peace and love to you :)

    • Thank you Janet. You speak truth-filled words. Thank you.

      PS Can I ask you a question? Are you having issues with subscribing to my blog? The reason I ask is because your email comes up frequently as a “new” subscriber. I just got two notifications: one last week and one just today. Anyway, just curious.

      • No I am not having trouble subscribing. I think I am struggling with my own issues of internet dependance. The blog Momastery had a wonderful post yesterday about being addicted to social media. I am addicted and mine is blogs :) I spend a lot of time subscribing and unsubscribing :) TMI :)

  2. Whatever you decide to say, I’ll be listening eagerly. Because you have a special way of relating — I can find the familiar in your experiences and thoughts. So I’m excited to see where this next step takes you, because it might just be someplace I need to visit, too.

    • Yes, it does feel like a next step. I’ve been working with a concept my spiritual director calls “going toward versus letting come”. I WANT to go toward something – anything really! – because it is active and feels like I’m doing something. However I also know that I don’t want to force something. It needs to evolve organically. I need to stop seeking and simply trust and wait that whatever it is. It will find me.

      xxoo to you my friend. And thank you again for inviting me to Lisa’s planning course. That feels like a whole new crop of people to meet and learn from.

      Here’s to whatever’s next – for all of us.
      S

  3. Wendell Berry: “To Know the Dark”

    To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
    To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,
    and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
    and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings.

  4. Sheila,
    Every morning after Dan takes the girls to school I sit down with a cup of tea and read your Blog. I’m always touched by something you write and I’m not a home schooler. Write what you need, feel or desire it’s you,that’s why I read it.

  5. Dear Sheila,

    Just as you don’t know what to write, neither do I! Sometimes, you know, we just have to show up and sit in the silence together. :-)

    It sounds like your reason for blogging has shifted, has it? Can I ask why you are not wanting to write about homeschooling anymore? I wonder if exploring that will help because it sounds, from what you’ve written above, like it’s all connected.

    xoCathy

    • Yup, it is showing up and sitting in the silence – you are exactly right.

      I have been exploring my relationship to blogging and homeschooling with Waldorf. I think it is valuable to share our experiences, but I want to do this on different terms that I have done it in the past. More “why” less “how”. I have a post from last year called “Where’s the Magic?” about talking about the inspiration behind a particular block rather than resources. I may have to dust that one off and finally hit publish.

      Waldorf goes deep for me. I know you know this too. That is the place I want to speak from most often.

      So here I sit . . . thanks for sitting with me.

      PS How’s winter where you are? These long, sunny days make me feel absolutely untethered! (Which, come to think of it, isn’t helping my situation. LOL)

      • We’re having a mild autumn in my part of the world, so no complaints there. I don’t care how cold it gets, if the sun is still shining I’m a happy girl. I’m also making a very conscious decision to be more relaxed about our homeschooling this year – a bit of breathing space for me really before we “get serious” in 5th. So far so good.

        Yes, Waldorf education is so meaningful for me. It has really become about my education (maybe it always was). I don’t know how to put this into words myself, so I can understand having writer’s block. Sometimes it has to be about the resources and the end product – the paintings and the handwork and the main lesson book pages – because how do you show the process on a blog?

        At the moment we are doing Norse Mythology, our second block. We are headed toward Ragnarok. We started this block 3 days ago and we have been singing this song:

        Just watching that video, hearing that song is one thing (we haven’t watched it together, my boy doesn’t know it exists). SInging this song every day ourselves, letting the meaning penetrate our souls, reading the stories, creating art, it’s so much deeper and in order to understand, you really have to experience that yourself. Do all that. Allow it to work on you.

        When he first heard this song, my son thought it was a funny song about vikings getting drunk – I’m sure you can imagine the silliness that ensued. But now he gets it, 3 days in and he almost knows the whole thing by heart, sings and hums it all day long. This is a serious song. He gets it now.

        I can tell you all this, but the words really seem inadequate to me, and that’s frustrating and I wonder, do people think I’m some kind of crazy lady gushing about this stuff all the time?

        Honestly, this education is changing who I am and I feel so deeply, deeply satisfied with my life – exhausting as it is sometimes. So yes, I know it goes deep for you, I get that. And truthfully, dear friend, I would love to hear all about that even if, as they are for me, the words are so hard to find.

        Cathy x

        • Yes, yes, yes.
          I want to quote back to you so much of what you said, but I will just let your words stand.
          One thing I will say is that in the beginning I always focused on Vincent’s age of when I first came to Waldorf. He was 8. However, within the last year, I realized that I had just turned 40 when Waldorf came into my life. I think that is significant, because I think I was ripe for the gifts. Four years in and I know it has changed me and I don’t know if I could have seen what I’ve seen earlier. This way of thinking helps me to believe in divine timing and not regret what we did before.
          I need to find my headphones to listen to the song, as everyone is still asleep. I don’t want them thinking I’m having a party with Thor and Loki down here.
          A lovely weekend to you Cathy.
          Kindred.
          Sheila

  6. Hi dear Sheila,
    I had admired your “schedule” and am glad for whatever might come up for you to post about. I have had such similar issues which we have talked about, (or at least emailed about) and I’m very sure that this is all part of a divine plan. For me now, it is a time to just let go a little. It was a bit scary at first, but now I am relishing it and it feels so right–for me. My heart is with you…Aloha, Lori

  7. I am so grateful that you wrote this. I know that something good is happening even when you can’t see it. I am reminded of what Caryll Houselander wrote about Mary(even though I guess it is more of an advent thought) “She too, was silent; in her the light of the world shone in darkness.” In other words the light does what it does naturally, it shines, we just have to let it and not force it. I love the idea of going toward…taking those steps with the light you have. I, along with everyone else here, will keep showing up to here the wisdom that you share.

  8. What to say? Actually, I’m just showing up and walking with you my dear, dear friend. Let’s talk soon.
    xoxo

  9. I read this on my phone when you first posted, but have wanted to come and comment for a week. Like your other readers I am grateful for everything you post!

    I know what you mean about writing about the “how” versus “why.” I have come to feel like the “how” is a drudgery that I must do because that’s what I started recording on my blog. Even writing up the Roman History post today, I felt a kind of irritated impulse to get it done, but made an internal vow to myself to only finish out our completed blocks for the year and then move on to more of a lifestyle/journal because that’s what I enjoy when I look back on my posts.

    I am interested in looking at which seven year cycle I am in! I haven’t thought beyond my children, but would like to read Tapestries to begin, I think.

    Love, Rachel

    • Thank you for your kind words as always, Rachel.
      I think I have come to peace with all that, and I’m going to stop trying to define what my blog is and just let it be. It may not win any awards for consistency, but it will be honest.
      I have to say, I loved your Roman History block review – however I do understand the drudgery of posting all those details. I will try to look at myself through the 7 year cycles as well. I don’t think I ever have.

  10. Pingback: A Chink in the Armor | Sure as the World

Join the conversation.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s